My Ex and I can't agree on child arrangements - What can I do?
Updated: 7 days ago
Separating is difficult enough without disagreements about the children.
Perhaps you cannot agree where your children should live, how much time they should spend with each parent, school holidays, Christmas arrangements or simply how handovers are going to work.
Or perhaps communication with your ex has become so difficult that every conversation seems to end in an argument.
If this sounds familiar, you don't necessarily need to go straight to court.
Family mediation can give separated parents a neutral, structured place to discuss child arrangements and try to find a practical way forward.
I'm Elizabeth, a family mediator at Sussex Mediation House in Eastbourne, and this guide explains some of the options available to separated parents in England and Wales.
What are “child arrangements”?
Child arrangements simply means the practical arrangements you make for your children following separation.
They might include:
where your children live and when;
how they spend time with each parent;
weekends and weekdays;
school holidays, birthdays and Christmas;
collections and handovers;
schooling and activities;
communication between parents; and
how arrangements may need to change as children get older.
You may still hear people talk about “custody” or “access”, particularly when searching online, but the terminology generally used today is child arrangements. GOV.UK describes child arrangements as including where children live and how much time they spend with each parent. GOV.UK
What if my ex and I simply can't agree?
There are several possible ways forward.
Some parents are able to resolve matters themselves once emotions have settled. Others seek legal advice or use mediation to help them have the conversations that have become difficult to have on their own.
If agreement still isn't possible, an application can ultimately be made to the Family Court.
But court doesn't necessarily have to be your starting point.
Family mediation involves an independent mediator helping both parents discuss the issues and explore possible arrangements. The mediator doesn't take sides or decide what should happen.
The aim is to help you, as parents, make those decisions yourselves.
Government guidance specifically identifies mediation as a way of agreeing child arrangements which can avoid the need to go to court. GOV.UK
What if my ex refuses mediation?
This is one of the questions I am asked most frequently.
You cannot force somebody to reach an agreement in mediation, and mediation itself requires both people to participate voluntarily.
However, you can attend a MIAM yourself even if your ex doesn't want to attend.
A MIAM — a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting — is an individual meeting with a mediator. It gives you an opportunity to explain what is happening, learn how mediation works and consider whether it could be suitable for your circumstances.
If you subsequently need to make a court application, attendance at a MIAM will usually be required unless an exemption applies. Government guidance also confirms that if you attend a MIAM but your former partner does not, you can still proceed with a court application where appropriate. GOV.UK
So don't assume that your ex saying “I'm not doing mediation” means that you cannot take the first step yourself.
Do we have to sit in the same room?
No.
This can be particularly important where communication has become very difficult.
Mediation can take place remotely, and arrangements can also be made so that participants do not have to be in the same room or video call (something we call 'Shuttle Mediation'). GOV.UK
At Sussex Mediation House we can discuss the appropriate format with you during your initial meeting. It is important you feel safe and comfortable speaking freely.
Can my child have a say?
Potentially, yes.
Child Inclusive Mediation can provide children and young people with an opportunity to have their voices heard without putting them in the position of having to make the decisions.
That's an important distinction.
Children aren't being asked to choose between Mum and Dad. The adults remain responsible for making decisions.
The Family Mediation Council says children should be offered the opportunity to have their voices heard directly within mediation if they wish, and if they are able to communicate and understand their wishes. Family Mediation Council
At Sussex Mediation House we can explain how Child Inclusive Mediation works and whether it might be appropriate for your family. It can be very powerful for parents to hear their child's voice and to be reminded that although there are 2 homes, there is only 1 childhood.
Is there really £500 available towards mediation?
Yes — potentially.
The Family Mediation Voucher Scheme can provide up to £500 towards mediation costs for eligible families. At Sussex Mediation House this usually covers your first 2 sessions of Joint Mediation.
It isn't means tested, but eligibility depends upon the type of case and availability. Cases involving a dispute concerning children are among those eligible. The voucher doesn't pay for the initial MIAM. GOV.UK
The Government confirmed in May 2026 that the scheme was being extended for another year. GOV.UK
You don't receive £500 in cash. If your case qualifies, your mediator applies for the funding and it is paid towards the eligible mediation costs. GOV.UK
We can discuss whether your case may qualify when you contact us.
What if mediation doesn't work?
Going to mediation doesn't take away your ability to go to court.
Sometimes mediation results in agreement on everything. Sometimes parents agree some issues but not others. And sometimes it becomes clear that agreement isn't possible.
If you cannot reach an agreement, you can still consider making an application to the Family Court. GOV.UK
A MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) can therefore be useful even when you're unsure whether your former partner will cooperate. A MIAM is usually required before making court applications.
With this said, Mediation often results in positive outcomes and can be very helpful for many families. The Family Mediation Council says that 69% of people who used the mediation voucher resolved their issues without contested court, and this number increased to 74% when the children were involved in mediation.
What happens if we do reach an agreement?
This is where mediation can be particularly valuable.
Instead of somebody else deciding how your family should operate, you have had the opportunity to work through the details together.
And those details matter.
An arrangement that sounds straightforward on paper — “alternate weekends”, for example — can still leave dozens of unanswered questions.
What time does the weekend start? Who collects? What happens on a bank-holiday Monday? What about Mother's Day and Father's Day? How do you divide Christmas? What happens when somebody wants to take the children abroad?
Mediation gives you space to work through the practical realities rather than simply arguing about a number of nights. You can tailor discussions to your unique needs.
Do I need a solicitor as well as a mediator?
Mediators and solicitors perform different roles.
A mediator is impartial and doesn't represent either parent. A solicitor can advise you individually about your legal position.
Depending on your circumstances, you may therefore choose to obtain legal advice alongside mediation.
It doesn't have to be an either/or decision. Some people try mediation first before going to a solicitor, some do it the other way around, and some do both together! In general, mediation is faster and usually less expensive than court proceedings.
What I often encourage parents to think about
When parents separate, it's understandable for discussions to become focused on what is fair to each parent.
But children don't experience arrangements as percentages on a calendar.
They experience Monday mornings, forgotten PE kits, long car journeys, bedtime, football practice, homework, holidays and whether their parents can be in the same place without arguing.
So rather than beginning with:
“How many nights should I get?”
it can sometimes be more productive to begin with:
“What would a good ordinary week look like for our child?”
That change in question can lead to a very different conversation.
Family mediation in Eastbourne and East Sussex
If you're separating and struggling to agree arrangements for your children, you don't have to work everything out before contacting a mediator.
In fact, that's precisely what mediation is there to help with.
Sussex Mediation House is based in Eastbourne, East Sussex, and provides family mediation for separating and separated families, including child arrangements, MIAMs and Child Inclusive Mediation.
You can start by contacting us for an initial conversation about what is happening and the options available to you.
Next Steps?
Looking for family mediation in Eastbourne or East Sussex? Sussex Mediation House offers MIAMs, child arrangements mediation and divorce mediation.
Contact us to arrange a free 15-minute consultation.
01323 406232
Elizabeth Wight, FMA and FMC Family Mediator October 2026
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